VMA 2016

  • Christopher M. Enis
  • I ain’t gonna lie, I’m hoping DNCE’s Cake By The Ocean is played at least twice during the VMAs.
  • The VMAs have a White Carpet (I don’t know what happened to the Red Carpet, maybe they ditched it because it tends to draw folks like Ryan Seacrest, John Legend and Crissy Teigen to it like buzzards to a Wildebeest carcass)vma
  • Oh sweet Jesus, DJ Khalid, who next quiet moment of reflection will be his first, is one of the pre-show hosts. I’m already second guessing watching this.
  • Alessia Cara? I wonder if she’s related to Irene Cara (no she isnt)?  I don’t know who this skinny white boi waif is she brought out to sing the hook (Troye Sivan), but he’s wearing platforms that my 5 foot 3 step dad would have shanked him for back in 1979.
  • Cara, a Italian-Canadian and hook boi Troye, a South African-Australian are singing a song called Wild, that, I’m told, is R&B. Show me the receipts! I demand a second opinion.
  • Chance The Rapper, I love that brother. I’m checking his gear and it looks like he should have been on Sesame Street with that big ass 3 on his cap and those Earthtone overalls on.
  • 2 Chainz looking like he a warrior in the Gucci Tribe sponsored by Timbaland Boots
  • Beyonce strangled a Emu and threw it on her neck. I ain’t mad, that Emu may be, but I aint.
  • Kent Jones wearing a big ass hot coat with a hoodie.
  • Kent Jones was nominated for Song Of The Summer. I can’t with these VMA category names, having said that, I know that Cake By The Ocean came out around MLK Day or something but it should be the Song Of The Summer.
  • Tinashe.  Say her name out loud. Then say it soft. vma 3
  • Ariana Grande brought out the My Little Pony Tail with the frosted tips out tonight. Swing it girl.
  • Gaby Wilson is a MTV News Correspondent, like MTV does actual news.
  • VMA Pre-Show co-host Charlemagne Tha God’s name always gives me 9th Grade World History flashbacks.
  • Nick Jonas discusses his hit song, Bacon. DJ Khalid asks for confirmation about the song title and the smile on his face probably makes the Silk Almond Milk (who he does commercials for) people very nervous
  • Halsey is wearing a jumpsuit that is almost so sheer that you can tell she didn’t have enough money in the budget for a Brazilian Wax.
  • I feel so old and like the dirtiest of Dirty Old Men whenever Fifth Harmony shows up. Oh, they looked good in matching black.
  • Jidenna aka Bird from The Midnight Falcons, Jr. (look up Five Heartbeats characters, kids) is singing.  I was hoping he would perform his track Chief Don’t Run (nice follow up to his Classic Man song) but instead he sings something called A Little Bit more, a song that sounds like Flo Rida and Pitbull had a baby.  Jidenna complete the image by dressing in a breezy knee short outfit that would see your cool old Uncle wearing at the cook out because his usual J. Anthony Brown is way too hot for this humidity.
  • Speaking of J. Anthony Brown suits, this dude named Desiigner (that’s not a typo, that’s how he spells his name) is wearing a salmon colored suit, with no shirt on underneath.  This would be distracting enough if it wasn’t for the jaw dropping sound of his voice.  He sounds like he bought a 2nd hand Auto Tune from T-Pain and accidentally dropped it in a bucket of Tartar Sauce and said “Fuck it”.  His hit song is called Panda. I’m sure he could scare a panda into impotency with that voice.vma 2
  • P Diddy is here, I don’t feel like the oldest person watching this anymore
  • Someone named Myke and Steak are talking.  Steak is the girl.
  • Turns out that Myke, Girl Steak and VMAs Pre Show Co-Host Lizzo (these damn names!) are all part of some new show on MTV called Wonderland, yeah, like I’m setting that up in the DVR to record. Don’t bother looking them up, all Google got is listings for Steak Houses and Lizzo’s video for her song Good As Hell (which isn’t bad! It’s on that #BlackGirlMagic tip so no one under 40 will get it).
  • DNCE is here! Please sing Cake By The Ocean! Cake By The Ocean! Cake By The Ocean!
  • They didn’t sing Cake By The Ocean. Bummer that.
  • The lead singer of DNCE is Joe Jonas. His brother is Bacon singing Nick. They have the songs about food on lock at the VMAs
  • Ty Dolla $ign (Why does he call himself that and have the dollar sign symbol in his name as well…and a Dolla Sign tattoo on his neck, Jesus? I have so many questions!)
  • Ty Dolla $ign’s redhaired dread look reminds me of former Essence Magazine editor Susan Taylor. Serious forehead action going on.
  •  Zara Larsson looks nice in a black elf gown. Zara (and Lizzo) is from Minneapolis (RIP Prince). I have no idea who Zara Larsson is.
  • The Chainsmokers have the number 1 song in the country with Closer. Charlemagne makes a Surgeon General joke. I laughed because I enjoy the occasional corny joke.
  • Jidenna is back wearing a menthol looking man Kimono (it looks better than my description…kinda.)
  • Lukas Graham is singing his nominated song “Mama Said”.  I bet Mama never said for him to wear a sweatsuit jacket zipped up to the neck.
  • Mama Said sounds like a James Blunt/Ska/Motown Light mashup. (it sounds better than my description…kinda)
  • Welp, that’s a wrap from the VMAs White Carpet. Y’all excuse me, all this talk about steak, bacon and ocean cake has made my blood sugar rise dangerously high.
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