He SAID : Life is Rough on the RED CARPET

Christopher M. Enis

  1. I started 15 minutes later because, silly me, I didn’t know the Emmy Red Carpet thing started 2 hours before the Emmys.
  2. It’s hot. It’s very hot. It’s an on-going thing during the show.emmycarpet2
  3. How hot it is. Lord, the actors are hot! They are sweating! Will someone think of the sweaty actors?
  4. Ryan Seacrest is hosting this thing. I thought he owned E!
  5. Giuliana Rancic still works for E! I thought she was given the boot after, you know, “that thing”.
  6. Whose idea was to have the interviews take place at the top of stairs? All these women wearing gowns and you have them climbing stairs? I’m sure that a man (probably Seacrest) had something to do with this.
  7. E! Correspondent, Ross Matthews has the latest Samsung Note and is using it to describe what people are wearing. I don’t know what’s worse, him having the latest hot phone or using it to tell me what accessories the cast of Modern Family has on.emmycarpet3
  8. What the hell is a GlamCam 360? I may not make it 2 hours…
  9. Heidi Klum is here; Donald Trump talked about this woman’s looks. If for nothing else (which is pretty much everything that comes out of the man’s mouth) you should never take a man seriously if he considers Heidi Klum less than a 10.
  10. E! has a constant scrolling banner like they’re CNN, but it’s about fashion and what expensive food the sweaty actors won’t will be eating after the Emmys. The struggle is real.
  11. Just when you think that the ratchetness has been toned down since past mishaps,  Tituss Burgess (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) sings what has become his catch phrase, “Pino Noirrrrrr.” This is, apparently, his tribute to “black penis.” Alrighty then. Giuliana Rancic hasn’t looked this panic since she read her Twitter time line after, you know…that thing.
  12. Seacrest mentions a bit of Emmy History being made on the Red Carpet; Taraji P. Henson is the first person to wear chains to the Emmys. (What… Mr. T never attended the emmycarpet1Emmys?)
  13. Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks… now there is a grown ass woman!
  14. Jaime Alexander looks great. Man she’s tall. I hope that her new show, BLINDSPOT, is good. Good Television makes me smile.
  15. E! says that Anthony Anderson is upcoming. Thanks for the heads up! I turn down the volume on my TV.
  16. LL Cool J! And he’s in mid-season lip-licking mode. I doubt it has anything to do with how hot it is. You have to respect LL Cool J’s commitment to Kangol.
  17. Joanne Froggett is happy to be wearing some sheer thing because “it’s so hot!” (The only thing worse than a sweaty actor is a sweaty British actor with the last name “Froggett”)
  18. Anthony Anderson ARRIVES ON THE RED CARPET!!!! His cool and dapper looking son Nathan is with him and he tells America that his dad is as loud at home as he is on TV.emmycarpet4 I don’t doubt it one bit, kid.
  19. Sarah Hyland is talking about her show Modern Family…and how hot it is.
  20. Now it’s Allison Janney’s turn to discuss how hot it is. The Pope prays for a El Nino breeze to swoop in and cool the sweaty actors off.
  21. Laverne Cox is on that 360 Glam Cam thing. She’s tall and her shoes are very yellow. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  22. Mayim Bialik breaks the “how hot it is” discussion stream by talking about how she is a role model to young girls because not only gets to play a neuroscientist on TV that she is one in real life. No wonder she’s not hot, that was pretty cool (see what I did there? No? Fine.)
  23. Keegan-Michael Key, a Detroit native, says that if he wins an Emmy, he’s going to have “mucho shout outs”. I’m sure the band can’t wait to play his ass off.
  24. Sarah Paulson will be portraying Marcia Clark in the upcoming OJ mini-series. I don’t emmycarpet5care.
  25. Grown Ass Woman Alert: Morena Baccarin. Mercy!
  26. Angela Bassett, ladies and gentlemen. Look up “Black Don’t Crack” in the Urban Dictionary; you will see her picture, literally.
  27. Jimmy Fallon has arrived on the Red Carpet. The Anthony Anderson rules apply; I turn down the television.
  28. No one can actually out-skinny Giuliana Rancic, but Emma Roberts and Claire Danes are giving her a run for her skinny money.
  29. Speaking of Claire Danes, she’s wearing shoulder chains, too. Mr. T is pissed.
  30. Grown Ass Woman Alert! Kerry Washington.
  31. Washington is talking about how hot it is but is distracted by Seacrest’s tuxedo and she asks who made it. Turns out it’s a Ryan Seacrest original. Of course it is.
  32. Queen Latifah won an Emmy for her HBO mini-series BESSIE? Good for her!
  33. Grown Ass Woman Alert! Sophia Vegara!
  34. I think that E! should get an Emmy (and possibly a Nobel Peace Prize) for going almost 2 hours before showing one Kardashian show promo.
  35. Thank God no actors died from the heat…
  36. Aww, dammit.
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