He SAID: Before the Big Show…

Christopher M. Enis

2015 VMA’s: Here we go..

  1. 7:25—I turn over to MTV and Catfish is on. Wow, Catfish is still around? You would have thought that everyone would be hip to how to figure out that supermodels do not use Facebook to pick up women in Kentucky but I guess not.
  2. 7:30—First promo for the VMA Red Carpet that I’ve seen. Some dude named Prince Royce is being drooled over by three young women whom I’m assuming are going to be hosting this thing. Royce, who is obviously used to women losing their religion over his pretty looks and cold dead eyes, couldn’t give a damn.
  3. First Miley VMA Promo: she flips double birds that are censored by VMA Moonman Awards.   I double flip her back.   Somewhere Prince Royce isn’t giving a damn.
  4. Second Miley VMA Promo: she walking, wearing a thong one piece or something and platform clogs (?) while sticking out her lizard like tongue. Esther Williams is so jelly right about now, no doubt.
  5. Third Miley VMA Promo: she’s riding a cat with wings. Man, it’s going to be a long ass night.
  6. 7:41—Another VMA Red Carpet promo, the ladies are drooling over Austin Butler and in between the thirst fest, they are discussing Miley as if she’s found the cure to Leprosy (Fun Fact: Leprosy is also known as Hansen’s Disease, calling it Leprosy is so Old Testament).
  7. 7:53—Red Carpet Promo. MTV has probably sent the Thirsty Trio off to cool down and towel off. Sway is out here… Sway is still working at MTV? Now I don’t feel like the oldest mofo watching this thing. He’s interviewing Max from Catfish who directed his first movie, We Are Your Friends (currently getting beat down by Straight Outta Compton at the box office… sorry, I couldn’t resist).
  8. Finally the VMA Pre Award Show (official title, I haven’t seen a red carpet anywhere, now that I think about it, also, I stopped looking at the watch…time has lost all meaning for me) and Old Man Sway introduced Walk The Moon who sings a song called Shut Up And Dance. Rude.
  9. Speaking of rude, Old Man Sway cuts off Shut Up And Dance mid song to introduce folks.   Fresh off of insulting Mexicans, there’s Kelly Osborne and (ironically or maybe due to mom Sharon’s spin control PR) Demi Lovato. Oh, the Thirsty Trio have names: Carly, Nessa and Aquafina from Girl Code, the guy who re-designed the VMA Moonman (didn’t know it needed renovating), Jeremy Scott and Charlemagne The God (not to be confused with the ruler known as the Father Of Europe…aiight)…back to Shut Up To Dance.
  10. Kelly is practically French kissing Demi’s ass, going on about Demi’s album.
  11. Now Sway’s kissing Demi’s ass. Not sure if he insulted Mexicans too.
  12. Walk The Moon is now playing something called Different Colors.
  13. Trojan Condoms has a new Bare Skin condom commercial, then Coca Cola shows a commercial with a polar bear. I’m very confused.
  14. Back to the pre-show; Old Man Sway is interviewing the guy who redesigned the Moonman when Chrissy Teigen and John Legend (the couple who never met an award show they wouldn’t attend) show up out of nowhere…blah blah blah, they love each other…okay, I get it. Chrissy’s dress is nice, and you can almost tell what religion she is (again). I ain’t even mad.
  15. The cast of MTV shows, Awkward, Faking It and Girl Code are hanging out with Todrick Hall, the dude who likes to sing in McDonald’s drive thrus.
  16. Kelly is interviewing Miguel. She’s one minority ass kiss segment away from becoming the ambassador to Sierra Leone.
  17. Austin Butler is back and he’s holding a puppy and being interviewed by Charlemagne and Thirsty Trio Carly. I don’t know who’s being punished more… no wait, the puppy. Definitely the puppy.
  18. Todrick Hall is doing a cover of Bruno Mars Don’t Believe Me.
  19. SPECIAL PRE AWARD SHOW ANNOUNCMENT!!!! Britney Spears will be a presenter!!!! I’ll tell you that I’m happy if you want me to.
  20. Now we’re in the product placement portion of the pre-show, Amanda Steele is talking about something to do with Cover Girl.
  21. Kelly is now interviewing the Moonman re-designer guy and announcing the first winner of the night, Fall Out Boy. That award must be one left over from 2006.
  22. She’s now talking to Pete Wentz, who is half-black-Jamaican on his momma’s side. Yep, Kelly is definitely on her way to Sierra Leone!
  23. (Speaking of cultural appropriation) Ryan Lewis and Macklemore are being interviewed in a dressing room.
  24. Old Man Sway is interviewing Nick Jonas who will be singing a song sponsored by State Farm, because them haters from Progressive be rollin’ with Fifth Harmony, ya heard!
  25. Kelly, having filled her quota for the night, is now interviewing white people. First up, Rebel Wilson. Oh, I forgot to mention that Kelly has some scraggly dude acting as her fashion correspondent. The routine is going over about as well as getting nutrition advice from a fat dietitian.
  26. Moonman re-designer Jeremy is interviewing “his bestie” Miley Cyrus. In lieu of clothing, Miley is wearing breast straps to cover up her nips.
  27. Oh look, I mentioned them way back in #24, Fifth Harmony has arrived to the Pre-Show! Followed by (after another Todrick Hall number, don’t ask me what he’s singing, I don’t know) a Fifth Harmony Cover Girl commercial.
  28. Kelly’s back and he’s with Old Man Sway interviewing Big Sean. Ebony Magazine, do y’all need a celebrity correspondent? Kelly knows more minorities than Malcolm X.
  29. Tori Kelly is at the VMAs! I like her, she been out there singing that Blue Eyed Soul since she was a pre-teen. I can’t knock her hustle.
  30. Charlemagne is interviewing Vic Mensa. I wonder what Vic’s IQ really is.
  31. Aquafina and Nessa are announcing another winner of a redesigned Moonman, Five Seconds Of Summer. I don’t know what they won. It seems that MTV wants to give out all those redesigned VMAs awards before the show even starts.
  32. A Tori Kelly Cover Girl commercial. Oh, shocker.
  33. A Beiber sighting….oh, and I guess there is a Red Carpet. I’m so excited.
  34. Nick Jonas is singing his State Farm sponsored song, Levels. It sounds like he’s doing a Justin Timberlake impersonation to a leftover Timbaland track.
  35. Now Nick is grinding on Kelly. I want to slam my head in a car door repeatedly.
  36. Nick is now being bum rushed by teenagers, whom he is now too old to be that close to. I wonder if State Farm has insurance to cover that?
  37. Nicest moment of the night: Nick gives two tickets to a random person in the crowd.
  38. Nice moment is instantly ruined when Old Man Sway announces that the ticket give away was also sponsored by State Farm.
  39. Kelly is now interviewing Taylor Swift and her United Nations crew of girlfriends including, Selena Gomez. Kelly is damn near ready to fall out.
  40. The Pre-Show ends with Old Man Sway giving the racially ambiguous Pete Davidson some love…
  41. Kelly Osborne’s head explodes.

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